The Plane Truth

If you guys don’t know yet, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Flights in India are always delayed. Always. Don’t even try to make it to the airport on time. These guys are professionals; they’ve been doing it for years. Tell you what; I’m sure they even have trained employees whose sole purpose is to ensure that planes are late. Even if a plane does get ready on time, these guys hide it so it can’t take off as scheduled. I’m not kidding. I’ve seen people rolling planes away when they think no one is looking.

But all this is before you board the plane. Even if you’re on it, there are still things they can do to keep it grounded. ‘Technical snag’ is a popular ruse. Now this is not something you want to hear when you’re supposed to be flying through the air in this particular piece of equipment. You expect everything to be shipshape. Or rather plane-shape. (Get it? Yuk! Yuk!) And besides, what exactly is a technical snag?

Did the pilot forget his keys? Did a tyre have a flat? The last time I was on a plane, I decided to clarify. I approached a stewardess - which is what they call a flying waitress - and asked her what the problem might be. The conversation went something as follows:

Me: What exactly is this ‘technical snag’?

She (smiling inanely): The wings, sir. They’re fixing them. Can I get you anything, sir?

Me (horrified): The wings??

She (smiling inanely while nodding her head): Yes sir. They fell off during our last landing. Nothing to worry. Coffee for you, sir?

Me (panting and sweating): The wings fell off??

She (smiling inanely while nodding and pouring coffee): Oh nothing to worry. Happens all the time. Why, I remember that one time when the engine fell off. He He. We all thought we were going to die. Giggle. Ended up having a good time in the sea. Giggle Giggle. Enjoy your coffee, sir. Giggle.

Ok, I may have exaggerated that conversation. But just a tad bit. She did say that they were fixing the wings. And she did smile inanely. They do that, these flight attendants. Look calm no matter what. The plane may be tossing about in turbulence, bouncing up and down like a yo-yo or hurtling towards the earth at great speed. But they’ll keep calm. And smile inanely. And nod. And serve you coffee. Oh! and they also end every sentence with ‘sir’. This makes me suspect they’re robots. That would also explain they’re prefect figures. (Unless you’re on Air India; and even they come in standard sizes). But that’s a story for another day.

Fixing the wings, it seems. Did she mean fix as in ‘repair’ or fix as in ‘glue to the side of the plane’. Whichever it was, it was damn scary.

Aren’t the wings the things that keep the plane in the air? Without them, it isn’t even a plane anymore. It’s just a giant tube trying to fly through the air. That’s not possible is it? Ask yourself. Have you ever seen a bird without wings? Flying, I mean. Not a dead chicken at KFC. I didn’t think so. Hell, the only thing I know that can fly without wings is a rocket. And that’s only because it has fire coming out of its end. As far as I remember, paramount airways flight I7-474 was no rocket. Ergo, it could not fly without wings.

And so we waited. For how long, I cannot tell. I do know however that a pregnant lady gave birth and watched her son take his first steps on the plane. The pilot bounced him on his knee and what not. By the time he was old enough to shave, they said they couldn’t fix the wings. Instead, they were going to get us another plane. Just like that; as though you could send the errand boy to the stationery shop for one.

But to their credit, they did find one. Probably one of the planes they’d hidden earlier. Soon as it was ready, they brought us a bus type thingy to take us to the other plane; which, incidentally, was parked 5 metres away. But instead of walking, they made us board the bus, take us around the airport 10 times, do a couple of wheelies, break down in the middle of the tarmac and cause another plane to skid off the runway. Finally, when we did enter plane 2, we were met with inane smiles from new flight attendants. Till that point, I was ok. It was when they started nodding their heads and serving coffee while calling me ‘sir’ that I started screaming like a mad man and ran away to catch the train.