Mayawati Menace

In what could end months of mental torture endured by the common man, the Government of India may finally have figured out what to do with the Mayawati statues that have been popping up all over the country. As one may remember, the population explosion in Mayawati statues had started with an innocuous figurine that had appeared all of a sudden in UP. At that point, it had been dismissed as a random event.

However, over the course of a few months, it had reached a point where one could not turn around without bumping into a Mayawati statue. According to a victim of the statue menace, Kuttappan Singh Yadav, ‘I was taking my morning shower. By chance, my soap fell down. When I straightened myself after picking it up, Wham! There was a Mayawati statue along with me in the shower’ Kuttappan, who went into seizures on taking one look at the statue, is now suffering from chronic epilepsy.

Incidents like this have become all too common in the country, with statues turning up at every nook and cranny. In some remote corners of UP and Bihar, parents have stopped sending their children to school for fear of them being terrorized by the statues. Some kids, who dared to look at the statues indirectly through the clever use of mirrors and artificial lighting, have not slept since. Curiously enough, they have been screaming at night and complaining about the silence of the lambs.

Clearly, this has been a nation that went through its darkest hours in the last few months. However, there is now a glimmer of hope. Economists have suggested that the statues be exported. As they are to be found in abundance, there is no difficulty in declaring them as a natural resource and thereby bringing them under a list of commodities that the government can trade in.

The only problem that remains to be solved is ‘who in the blue hell will want to import them?’ Though this is a pressing concern, there have been positive signs from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Parts of the country, which are thick with jungles, are often plagued by animal attacks. Wild life experts believe that the statues could find employment as scarecrows; except, they won’t be scaring crows. They will be scaring rhinos.

Meanwhile, experts have also declared that the Mayawati statues rank third in the list of scariest things known to man; and animal. The second scariest is a portrait of a smiling Mamta Banerjee that is locked away in a secret vault in the CIA headquarters at Langley. At moments of national peril, the US pulls this portrait out to interrogate terrorists. Topping the list, as the scariest thing in the world, is the vision of Uma Bharti in tight jeans and a tank top. (To imagine the horror, please visualize). Thankfully, no one has ever seen this. Should this event ever transpire, the universe as we know it will end.

Mayawati, who was contacted for her views on the matter, shockingly turned out to be a statue herself. Unfortunately, she is now indistinguishable from the hundreds of other statues and is hence unavailable for comment.

In other news, National Geographic has come out with its much anticipated list of evolutionary mistakes, a.k.a. creatures that should never have been allowed to evolve. This list, which includes the likes of the extinct Dodo and the soon to be extinct Panda, has been topped by Karan Thapar. He is closely followed by Arnab Goswami.

Rakhi Sawant, who many had expected to be on the list, has interestingly been disqualified from consideration and instead been classified as a mythical creature. It appears that history should remember her as one who may or may not have existed. Much like a Minotaur; only worse.