The Plane Truth

If you guys don’t know yet, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Flights in India are always delayed. Always. Don’t even try to make it to the airport on time. These guys are professionals; they’ve been doing it for years. Tell you what; I’m sure they even have trained employees whose sole purpose is to ensure that planes are late. Even if a plane does get ready on time, these guys hide it so it can’t take off as scheduled. I’m not kidding. I’ve seen people rolling planes away when they think no one is looking.

But all this is before you board the plane. Even if you’re on it, there are still things they can do to keep it grounded. ‘Technical snag’ is a popular ruse. Now this is not something you want to hear when you’re supposed to be flying through the air in this particular piece of equipment. You expect everything to be shipshape. Or rather plane-shape. (Get it? Yuk! Yuk!) And besides, what exactly is a technical snag?

Did the pilot forget his keys? Did a tyre have a flat? The last time I was on a plane, I decided to clarify. I approached a stewardess - which is what they call a flying waitress - and asked her what the problem might be. The conversation went something as follows:

Me: What exactly is this ‘technical snag’?

She (smiling inanely): The wings, sir. They’re fixing them. Can I get you anything, sir?

Me (horrified): The wings??

She (smiling inanely while nodding her head): Yes sir. They fell off during our last landing. Nothing to worry. Coffee for you, sir?

Me (panting and sweating): The wings fell off??

She (smiling inanely while nodding and pouring coffee): Oh nothing to worry. Happens all the time. Why, I remember that one time when the engine fell off. He He. We all thought we were going to die. Giggle. Ended up having a good time in the sea. Giggle Giggle. Enjoy your coffee, sir. Giggle.

Ok, I may have exaggerated that conversation. But just a tad bit. She did say that they were fixing the wings. And she did smile inanely. They do that, these flight attendants. Look calm no matter what. The plane may be tossing about in turbulence, bouncing up and down like a yo-yo or hurtling towards the earth at great speed. But they’ll keep calm. And smile inanely. And nod. And serve you coffee. Oh! and they also end every sentence with ‘sir’. This makes me suspect they’re robots. That would also explain they’re prefect figures. (Unless you’re on Air India; and even they come in standard sizes). But that’s a story for another day.

Fixing the wings, it seems. Did she mean fix as in ‘repair’ or fix as in ‘glue to the side of the plane’. Whichever it was, it was damn scary.

Aren’t the wings the things that keep the plane in the air? Without them, it isn’t even a plane anymore. It’s just a giant tube trying to fly through the air. That’s not possible is it? Ask yourself. Have you ever seen a bird without wings? Flying, I mean. Not a dead chicken at KFC. I didn’t think so. Hell, the only thing I know that can fly without wings is a rocket. And that’s only because it has fire coming out of its end. As far as I remember, paramount airways flight I7-474 was no rocket. Ergo, it could not fly without wings.

And so we waited. For how long, I cannot tell. I do know however that a pregnant lady gave birth and watched her son take his first steps on the plane. The pilot bounced him on his knee and what not. By the time he was old enough to shave, they said they couldn’t fix the wings. Instead, they were going to get us another plane. Just like that; as though you could send the errand boy to the stationery shop for one.

But to their credit, they did find one. Probably one of the planes they’d hidden earlier. Soon as it was ready, they brought us a bus type thingy to take us to the other plane; which, incidentally, was parked 5 metres away. But instead of walking, they made us board the bus, take us around the airport 10 times, do a couple of wheelies, break down in the middle of the tarmac and cause another plane to skid off the runway. Finally, when we did enter plane 2, we were met with inane smiles from new flight attendants. Till that point, I was ok. It was when they started nodding their heads and serving coffee while calling me ‘sir’ that I started screaming like a mad man and ran away to catch the train.

The Chicken

She asks me to lie down on her couch and close my eyes. I do so. She puts on some soft music and tells me to tell her what I see. I say I don’t see anything. The first thing, she says. Tell me what comes to mind. Let yourself go. And so I do.

There’s this chicken. Its white. Its standing on the side of a road.

And is it going to cross it?

No, it doesn’t cross it. It thinks about it, but its confused. It’s a highway. Its dark; and raining.

Whats it doing there?

Nothing. It just stands. For a while. Getting wet. Then it looks around.

What does it see?

On its right side, theres a briefcase. On the left, nothing. Behind, it’s the woods. I stop.

Go on. Take your time.

The chicken looks at the briefcase. Casually. It may have belonged to it, but it isn’t sure. And there are handcuffs.

Where?

On the handle. Of the briefcase.

Is the chicken chained to the briefcase?

No, its not. It thinks that it may have been. But those are handcuffs, it thinks. ‘HAND’cuffs. A chickens got wings. Not hands.

Then what?

A thought enters its mind. ‘I may be a flightless bird. But I’m still a bird’

Does the chicken want to fly away?

No. I don’t think so.

What does it want to do?

Nothing. Its just waiting.

For what?

For what comes next.

And what is that?

A truck. A big one. With steam coming out of its side. It rolls into view from beyond a bend in the road. Its headlights are powerful. The chicken can see the raindrops that the light hits. The chicken thinks they’re beautiful.

Could the chicken see anything before the truck came? How dark was it?

Quite dark but not pitch. The moon was out, albeit weakly.

What does the truck do?

It stops near the chicken. The driver leans across and opens the passenger door. He’s a big guy. Fat, and with tattoos on his arms. He says ‘can I give you a lift, mac?’

What does the chicken do?

It nods. And it climbs into the truck. The driver points to the briefcase and says ‘aren’t you forgetting something?’

What does the chicken say?

It says ‘I’m trying to forget’

And then what?

That’s it, they drive away.

She asks me to open my eyes. She tells me what she thinks. You hate your job, she says. The briefcase with the handcuffs shows that you’re tied down by it. You want to fly away, you think you deserve better. But you’re too chicken to do anything about it. You have a choice, a road to cross. Perhaps a better opportunity. But you’re too passive. You want that big truck to come and rescue you. You cant be like that. ‘Carpe Diem’, she says. Seize the day. Don’t wait for anything. Believe you can fly and you can do it. You don’t have to be a chicken. Be an eagle. Soar over the skies.

She makes me pay. She smiles. I can see that she thinks she solved my problem. But she hasn’t. I still don’t know what to do with the chicken sitting in my truck.

Tharoor Lobbies For World Class Slum in Trivandrum

Trivandrum: MoS for External Affairs, Shashi Tharoor was in the city today to deliver a talk on urban infrastructure planning. After gathering an audience at Symphony Hall, Tharoor wished them a very good morning, cut his talk short and declared that he would Tweet the rest of his speech from the privacy of his hotel room which also has a gym; neither of which the auditorium has.

Before the stunned crowd had a chance to react, Tharoor attempted to sneak away by shutting his eyes tight, pressing his back to the wall and moving sideways on tip toe; all this while his Wi-Fi enabled laptop was balanced on top of his head. After two minutes he opened his peepers and realized that he was moving in circles around the podium. When he saw a hundred angry eyes trained on him, Tharoor gave them the stiff upper lip, cryptically remarked 'This is why I need privacy and a gym; neither of which the auditorium has' and beat a hasty retreat. Sources who were close to Tharoor at the time reveal that he raced to the exit and sped away in a brand new 4-wheel austerity drive.

True to his word, Tharoor was on Twitter within the minute. How he managed to do so while driving is still a mystery that is yet to be solved (just like most mysteries). Top scientists suggest that perhaps the man shares a symbiotic relationship with the social networking site, both feeding off each other and growing in stature at the same time. But this is beside the point. The fact remains that in the space of a couple of hours, Tharoor managed to upload a 15000 word speech onto Twitter. At 140 characters per tweet, this is an incredible feat that would've taken the average human no less than..forget it! the average human could never have pulled this off. Not even if he had bequethed his speech and his twitter login ID and password to his children and asked them to complete if for him.

Yet, our Tharoor made short work of character restrictions on Twitter and revealed his plans on how he would make his constituency Trivandrum a global city; just as he had promised pre election. According to Tharoor, who has spent hours studying great Indian cities such as Mumbai, Delhi and Kolkata, the only thing that they have that Trivandrum doesnt is world class slums. Though Trivandrum has a small one at Chengalchoola, Tharoor calls it a pathetic excuse for a slum. Occupying an area of less than 1 sq. km., Tharoor tweets in disgust that the slum doesnt even have a decent beggar to speak of. 'They all have jobs. Thooo!', tweets Tharoor.

To address this slum problem, Tharoor has called in international expert on slums, Danny Boyle. Danny Boy, who is also an expert on dogs and millionaires, asserts that if Trivandrum were to have a world class slum, he could make a movie (oscar winning), call it Slumdog Mallu Nair and thus put Trivandrum on the world map.

When asked on Twitter how he plans to bring this scheme to pass, Tharoor claims that he has alredy identified land for the project. In fact, he has put in a proposal to the Union and State Governments to acquire property in a circle around the city. His dream is that but for the sea on one side, Trivandrum should be fenced on all sides by slums. In the future, he hopes that Kochi will also be surrounded by such a slum, with the two circles of slums meeting somewhere near Kayamkulam. He also tweets that he has tears in his eyes when dreaming of such a future for Trivandrum. When asked whether he would spend a night with one of these slum dwellers, as many congress leaders on an austerity drive are prone to do, Tharoor tweets that he would certainly do so; provided the slum has privacy and a gym; neither of which the auditorium has.

Bengal Tiger Victim of Racial Abuse in Melbourne Zoo

In yet another disgraceful example of racially charged assaults in Australia, a Bengal Tiger (of Indian origin) has now been attacked in a zoo. When early reports of the incident spread, the Bengal Tiger was suspected to have been Saurav Ganguly. However, it has now been ascertained that it was indeed a real tiger; a tiger that must now have given up dreams of having the wind in his mane and hopping along with Kangaroos in the Australian Outback.

Sher Khan, 18, was returning to his cage late thursday evening when two caucasian males and a koala bear ambushed him. Later inspection of security cameras reveal that the so-called bear was hurled at the tiger from close proximity. The koala, which appears to have been specifically trained for such an assult, then proceeded to pull out the tiger's whiskers one by one. While the tiger was thus demoralised, the youth approached him with spray paint and drew yellow and black stripes on him. That the tiger was already yellow with black stripes does not seem to have deterred them at all from indulging in tiger graffiti. This, we have deemed to be extremely racist. Experts comment that stripes of these specific colours have been chosen to target the Chinese and the Africans. Evidently, the aussies are now keen to warn away not just the Indians, but people of all other races as well.

According to zoo keeper Shane Kuttappan , the attack was cold blooded and inhuman. He goes on to say that the koala in question has a history of intolerenace. The previous year, he had gone so far as to chop off the fluffy black ears of a Chinese Panda and wear them as mittens. Unfortunately, the Koala is now in hiding and is unavailable for comment. Inset, is the picture of this vicious creature. Readers who have information on its whereabouts are requested to contact Australian cricket captain Ricky Ponting, who has taken personal responsibility for the attack. (God knows why).



Meanwhile, two Indian students are learned to have kidnapped a Zebra from the same zoo. This appears to have been done in retaliation, as they left a mysterious note with the words 'If Kevin Rudd doesnt make Australia safe for Indians, we will paint this Jeebra black and white and play tic-tac-toe on him'. What they were thinking is unclear at this point. As the Zebra isnt even native to Australia, the only conclusion one can draw is that they are just plain dumb.

Cyclone Bypasses Mumbai, Stops in Pune for Chai

Cyclone Phyan, which had been threatening parts of Western India is learned to have harmlessly walked (err, flown) past Mumbai. According to witnesses, the credit goes to meteorologist Kuttappan Thackery who stood on top of the Bandra-Worli Sea Link with signal flags. On spotting the advancing cyclone, Kuttappan frantically waved at it and lured it away with promises of a holiday for two in Kerala.

Now that the crisis has been averted, one asks the question that is on everyone's mind. What exactly did Phyan want? Why did it threaten Western India? Apparently, the answers lie in the cyclone's past. Phyan, who was born in the tropical waters of the Arabian Sea, seems to have had a violent childhood. Though his birth was peaceful, his formative years saw waves of frustration mounting on him. A sea of trouble saw him getting expelled from a school (of fish) and from then, things were never really the same.

Phyan decided that he needed a change in his present state (from liquid to solid) and decided to move inland for a brief sabbatical. When the realization dawned on him that property prices were astronomical in Mumbai, he decided to hold the city to ransom. He flew into a rage and demanded housing on Nariman Point. When the demands were not met, he stormed out of all negotiations and threatened Gujarat and Maharashtra. Had it not been for Kuttappan, one wonders what the carnage may have been.

When last seen, Phyan was on the way to Kerala and had stopped in Pune for a quick bite and chai. This humble reporter gathered all his courage, walked up to Phyan, addressed him respectfully as Mr. Phayan Ji and asked him what his future plans might be. Phyan responded by putting his arm around this reporter's shoulder, patting him on the back and saying 'call me Manikandan' in a mallu accent.

US to Relocate Afghanistan

Can they do that? Yes, they can!

Incredible as this may sound, this is no joke. Ok, thats partly a lie. Afghanistan is a joke. But not the idea. Ok, thats also a lie. I made this up. As a joke. Still, hear me out.

After years of sending troops (interestingly, a group of monkeys is also called a troop but I'm not trying to imply anything) over there to fight the war, the US is now bored. Thats right, just plain bored. They really do know where everyone is hiding. But whats the fun in just jumping in front of Osama (spelt with an S and not a B) and shouting 'tag, you're it!' when you can keep playing the game. However, a change in venue is always good to keep the boys interested.

One would recall that when Moses met the burning bush, the events that followed involved a mass exodus (exoduses / exodusi do tend to be mass) and what not. In this case, Obama too met a burning Bush. His name was George. And he was going down. In flames. So, what does our Obama (spelt with a B and not an S) do that our Bush did not? He decides to remove all the Afghans from Afghanistan and take them some place else. Why? Just for fun.

Some other reasons for doing this include

- Irritating neighbors. (spelt Pak..noo, not pakora)
- Dust in the eyes
- Intermittent water supply
- Power cuts

OK! There just isnt any reason to stay in Afghanistan, is there? Amazing they didnt think of moving earlier. So, what next?

The action plan

- gather all Afghans, put them in a ship, take them to Texas
- they blend in with Mexicans (racist disclaimer)
- marines join cowboys who are alredy engaged in shooting up the average Hose' (Mexican name, not a water conduit)
- all are happy (except for Osama, who is now called Hoolio. It just doesnt have the same effect. Imagine the television channels talking about a global hunt for Al-Qaeda chief Hooolio.)

Oh and in case you're wondering what they'll do with all the vacant real estate in Afghanistan, dont fret. They intend to put up a giant Walmart there. This will be the Walmart to end all Walmarts. Just like World War 1. From this mega giga Walmart, they'll service all of Asia and Europe. The whole world is at peace. Till they decide to start Walmart 2 , of course.