Thursday, January 21, 2010

Heard about the Onion? Anyone?

Some months back, America’s finest news source and my favorite source for spurious information, hearsay and tittle-tattle,, stumbled across and came to me with an offer for the position of freelance writer. These were their exact words

‘Oh distant Indian boy. You are funnier than us. Kindly acquiesce to write for us’

Hard to believe, huh? Ok fine, they came to me with a request to apply for the position. Ok, I went to them asking if I could write for them. OK, I begged. Honest, I did.

Now that we’ve established some semblance of the truth, let me tell you what actually happened. It all started with friend and sehwagologist, srinivas , pointing me to a position that was apparently open for freelance writing at theonion. Yours truly jumped at the chance and promptly sent a mail asking what I had to do to get the job. This is what they said

‘Oh distant Indian boy. You are funnier …’

No? you don’t want to hear that again? Ok, here’s what they actually said.

‘dude, theres like this spot for writing stuff for our video segments. Ones like 'White House Reveals Obama is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase'
If you think you can write for a segment like that, we might consider you. Here’s the topic:

Well you know the economy is in bad shape right? We are thinking that a cause for this is the reduction in the number of mistresses kept by American businessmen. They’re not spending on their girlfriends and consequently, the consumer driven economy is not recovering.

Got it? Your job is to develop a script for a short video segment on this topic. Think you can pull it off? Oh and one more thing. Sign this release form saying all your work belongs to us now. Guhahaha!’

So there it was. That was the mission. I signed the release form, wrote a script within half a minute and sent it in. This was 3 months ago :| I’ve waited ‘an eon’ (get it? Sounds like onion. Yuk! yuk!) for them to get back. I don’t think I’m hearing from them. Therefore, I shall retaliate by posting the script on Let them retaliate by waving the release form under my nose and suing me. Hah! This is what I wrote.

Obama to Keep Mistress as Part of Bill to Stimulate Economy

Anchor: Welcome back and our top news today. President Obama is basing a bill on the Mistress Theory of Economic Recovery that has been mooted by noted philanderer and part-time economist, Dr. Namgurk. We have with us, Dr. Namgurk.

Dr. Namgurk, tell us about the Mistress Theory. How exactly will it help the economy?

Namgurk: Well it’s really simple, actually. The fundamentals of the theory rest on the fact that 30% of American women are whores.

Anchor: 30%?

Namgurk: Yes, and I don’t mean whores in a derogatory sense. I mean sluts who sleep with rich men to get fancy stuff.

Anchor: Absolutely.

Namgurk: Us whores, and I count myself as one of them, make businessmen spend. This is good for the economy. But in times of downturn, rich guys don’t have money to lavish on mistresses. They dump them, thus triggering a collapse in spending and sending the economy spiraling into a downturn.

Anchor: Dump them. Aha.. That is sad.

Namgurk: Right. Macroeconomic variables indicate that the number of mistresses in America has been on the decline since late 2008.

Anchor: So what you’re saying is, if these mistresses were back in their old ‘jobs’ as playthings for businessmen, the economy could recover.

Namgurk. Very much so. It’s the only way our consumer driven economy can now be saved. By encouraging businessmen to take on as many mistresses as possible.

Anchor: And that is exactly what President Obama has decided to do. ONN correspondent in Washington, Jane Carmichel has more.

Jane, tell us about the Mistress Bill the President is proposing.

Jane: The details aren’t clear yet, but our sources indicate that it will be faithful to the Mistress Theory proposed by Dr. Namgurk. Even as we speak, the Obama Administration is drafting a bill to ensure that no businessman is without a mistress.

Anchor: And how exactly does the President intend to do that?

Jane: From what we’ve learned, Obama is making it mandatory for CEOs who accepted government bailout money to maintain at least 2 mistresses.

Anchor: 2?

Jane: Yes, 2. Those who have accepted no bailout will be allowed to get away with just one.

Anchor: And how are businessmen reacting to this proposed intrusion into their personal lives?

Jane: As of now, they’re maintaining a dignified silence, but ONN investigators report that they’re secretly celebrating.

(Show scene of rich business types in suits shaking pompoms and blowing horns. They are surrounded by cheerleaders.)

Anchor: Yes, I see that; And Jane, what of Obama himself. Should America’s businessmen expect the commander in chief to lead from the front? Will he be taking on a mistress himself?

Jane: Yes, very much so. This President is not one to preach what he does not practice himself. Obama has made it clear that he will be keeping a mistress himself.

Anchor: Interesting. And will that be an official position within the White House? To be the President’s mistress?

Jane: Right, she will be called the First Concubine.

Anchor: Very matter of fact.

Jane: Definitely. While names such as White House Bitch and Baby Love had been suggested by many in the Administration, the President himself favored a simple name. If he’s in a good mood, however, he says he may even call her Mon Amour.

Anchor: How very Obama. Ha Ha. Now, tell us one thing Jane. In her capacity as First Concubine, will she be required to sleep with the President?

Jane: The White House has been ambiguous about this so far. The only thing that is certain is that Obama will be required to buy her fancy stuff and take her out to expensive dinners. Obama has said however, that he may cuddle her at night.

Anchor: Right, right. And has Obama short listed any candidates for the position?

Jane: Not yet, no. He is rumored to be looking for a person of Latin American descent. Not only are they hot to look at, they also like shiny things.

Anchor: Shiny things.

Jane: Yes, they tend to stimulate the economy better.

Anchor: Thank you Jane. We’ll wait for more updates on that. In other news, former President Bill Clinton has come out with a statement that he and Monica Lewinsky have been trying to stimulate the economy from as far back as the mid nineties.


  1. :D
    Liked some parts, others weren't funny enough. On-and-off, overall. Gusshow anyway :D

    I know another site looking for a for freelance writers. Contact via PM for further details. They're exactly the opposite of the Onion, though. How about some business blogging? :P

  2. Heh, but Onion might send their goonions to beat you up for blogging on their vid-segment topic. No more exclusivity/first-mover advantage for them.

    Aniyan pedikkenda, you can do an Anniyan on Onion when they come calling to make you cry :)

  3. @KC: i guess it wasnt onion level, huh :| ah well..wht in the blue hell is PM?

    @Naga: no response..i think u jus exhausted all onion two languages :P

  4. Dude, this is awesome. Get more work done and I am sure Onion would hire you in a jiffy. You need actors, videos... *ka-ching*!!

  5. @panguji: merci beaucoup..wht say we put togethr a team? :P i remember u guys doing this insanely funny mango juice Ad at some competition..'kya tumne maa ka juice piya hai' or somthin like tht while whipping out a tetrapack of maa :)

  6. Hehe, those were awesome times =D! Yeah, man, we even money for that.

  7. Dear Mr. Kuttappan,

    A petition from your many unnamed ardent followers:

    We are eagerly waiting for your valued and rational report on the laddeeyys reservation bill. Please do not keep us waiting too long.

    Thanks and Regards

  8. Start updating your blog. It's criminal for you to not write.