Heard about the Onion? Anyone?

Some months back, America’s finest news source and my favorite source for spurious information, hearsay and tittle-tattle, theonion.com, stumbled across kuttappan.com and came to me with an offer for the position of freelance writer. These were their exact words

‘Oh distant Indian boy. You are funnier than us. Kindly acquiesce to write for us’

Hard to believe, huh? Ok fine, they came to me with a request to apply for the position. Ok, I went to them asking if I could write for them. OK, I begged. Honest, I did.

Now that we’ve established some semblance of the truth, let me tell you what actually happened. It all started with friend and sehwagologist, srinivas , pointing me to a position that was apparently open for freelance writing at theonion. Yours truly jumped at the chance and promptly sent a mail asking what I had to do to get the job. This is what they said

‘Oh distant Indian boy. You are funnier …’

No? you don’t want to hear that again? Ok, here’s what they actually said.

‘dude, theres like this spot for writing stuff for our video segments. Ones like 'White House Reveals Obama is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase'
If you think you can write for a segment like that, we might consider you. Here’s the topic:

Well you know the economy is in bad shape right? We are thinking that a cause for this is the reduction in the number of mistresses kept by American businessmen. They’re not spending on their girlfriends and consequently, the consumer driven economy is not recovering.

Got it? Your job is to develop a script for a short video segment on this topic. Think you can pull it off? Oh and one more thing. Sign this release form saying all your work belongs to us now. Guhahaha!’

So there it was. That was the mission. I signed the release form, wrote a script within half a minute and sent it in. This was 3 months ago :| I’ve waited ‘an eon’ (get it? Sounds like onion. Yuk! yuk!) for them to get back. I don’t think I’m hearing from them. Therefore, I shall retaliate by posting the script on kuttappan.com. Let them retaliate by waving the release form under my nose and suing me. Hah! This is what I wrote.


Obama to Keep Mistress as Part of Bill to Stimulate Economy

Anchor: Welcome back and our top news today. President Obama is basing a bill on the Mistress Theory of Economic Recovery that has been mooted by noted philanderer and part-time economist, Dr. Namgurk. We have with us, Dr. Namgurk.

Dr. Namgurk, tell us about the Mistress Theory. How exactly will it help the economy?

Namgurk: Well it’s really simple, actually. The fundamentals of the theory rest on the fact that 30% of American women are whores.

Anchor: 30%?

Namgurk: Yes, and I don’t mean whores in a derogatory sense. I mean sluts who sleep with rich men to get fancy stuff.

Anchor: Absolutely.

Namgurk: Us whores, and I count myself as one of them, make businessmen spend. This is good for the economy. But in times of downturn, rich guys don’t have money to lavish on mistresses. They dump them, thus triggering a collapse in spending and sending the economy spiraling into a downturn.

Anchor: Dump them. Aha.. That is sad.

Namgurk: Right. Macroeconomic variables indicate that the number of mistresses in America has been on the decline since late 2008.

Anchor: So what you’re saying is, if these mistresses were back in their old ‘jobs’ as playthings for businessmen, the economy could recover.

Namgurk. Very much so. It’s the only way our consumer driven economy can now be saved. By encouraging businessmen to take on as many mistresses as possible.

Anchor: And that is exactly what President Obama has decided to do. ONN correspondent in Washington, Jane Carmichel has more.

Jane, tell us about the Mistress Bill the President is proposing.

Jane: The details aren’t clear yet, but our sources indicate that it will be faithful to the Mistress Theory proposed by Dr. Namgurk. Even as we speak, the Obama Administration is drafting a bill to ensure that no businessman is without a mistress.

Anchor: And how exactly does the President intend to do that?

Jane: From what we’ve learned, Obama is making it mandatory for CEOs who accepted government bailout money to maintain at least 2 mistresses.

Anchor: 2?

Jane: Yes, 2. Those who have accepted no bailout will be allowed to get away with just one.

Anchor: And how are businessmen reacting to this proposed intrusion into their personal lives?

Jane: As of now, they’re maintaining a dignified silence, but ONN investigators report that they’re secretly celebrating.

(Show scene of rich business types in suits shaking pompoms and blowing horns. They are surrounded by cheerleaders.)

Anchor: Yes, I see that; And Jane, what of Obama himself. Should America’s businessmen expect the commander in chief to lead from the front? Will he be taking on a mistress himself?

Jane: Yes, very much so. This President is not one to preach what he does not practice himself. Obama has made it clear that he will be keeping a mistress himself.

Anchor: Interesting. And will that be an official position within the White House? To be the President’s mistress?

Jane: Right, she will be called the First Concubine.

Anchor: Very matter of fact.

Jane: Definitely. While names such as White House Bitch and Baby Love had been suggested by many in the Administration, the President himself favored a simple name. If he’s in a good mood, however, he says he may even call her Mon Amour.

Anchor: How very Obama. Ha Ha. Now, tell us one thing Jane. In her capacity as First Concubine, will she be required to sleep with the President?

Jane: The White House has been ambiguous about this so far. The only thing that is certain is that Obama will be required to buy her fancy stuff and take her out to expensive dinners. Obama has said however, that he may cuddle her at night.

Anchor: Right, right. And has Obama short listed any candidates for the position?

Jane: Not yet, no. He is rumored to be looking for a person of Latin American descent. Not only are they hot to look at, they also like shiny things.

Anchor: Shiny things.

Jane: Yes, they tend to stimulate the economy better.

Anchor: Thank you Jane. We’ll wait for more updates on that. In other news, former President Bill Clinton has come out with a statement that he and Monica Lewinsky have been trying to stimulate the economy from as far back as the mid nineties.

Stinky Stinky Shoes and the Rent Seeking Demon

Oh how I hate them, those rent seeking demons; those vile and servile creatures; now fawning, now patronizing; ever following, ever alluring. They, those auto drivers. I HATE THEM! I hate them for many things. I hate them for they made my shoes stink. And for that, I shall never forgive them.

Yesterday, I was the proud owner of a pair of Nike shoes; they were my friends, faithful and just to me. (yet, Brutus says they were ambitious) Today, they stink. And not just your average rotten egg / dead animal kind of stink. When I say stink, this is the worst kind of stink imaginable. Think of the stinkiest stink to ever assail your olfactory senses. Quick, think of it. Got it? This stinks worse than that. This is the stink to end all stinks. Stink of.. I mean think of Deepika Padukone’s acting. This stinks worse than that. And who is to blame? The auto driver.

One day, one day I shall have my vengeance. And I shall do so by giving him a taste of his own medicine. I shall kidnap him, I shall strand him on a deserted road. And then, I shall drive up in his own auto and make him pay meter + return. But till then, there is naught I can do but chronicle my misadventure. That unfortunate run in with the rent seeking demon that ended in my shoes stinking. That incident that I now refer to as:

Stinky stinky shoes and the rent seeking demon

The streets were flooded, the gutters were flowing
The rent seeking demon spotted his chance
He sidled up to me with countenance smiling,
He offered to shake my hands

Come into my auto, said the driver to his ride
Tis the smoothest auto, the cheapest, he lied
I knew his kind, I hated them so
Yet the water was high so I asked evlo?

Evlo is of course Tam for how much
And this is what I needed to know
For Autos in Chennai are known to be such
That take you for rides that end in woe

Night rate sir, plus rain rate too
All this, yes, especially for you
Only three times sir, of normal charge
No problem for you,’ cos your wallet is large

What sayst thou, of my wallet?
See’st thou the size of it?
Indeed yes, tis big as a mallet
And upon thy head, it shall hit

But you are sir, from a family big
And poor me, I live as a pig
Spare thy change, for I might eat
For the first time in months, a little meat

If thy charge is such, thou non vegetarian
Then indeed I shall prefer to walk
For I am not frightened by this little rian*
And from these floods, I shalt not balk

And thus it was I shunned that rascal
That rent seeking demon who would ruin my fiscal
And thus it was I began to trudge
Through knee deep fluids, that sewer sludge

For hours it seemed, I seemed to fight
The forces of nature, in all their might
Whence all at last, I finally reached
My home, sweet home, totally dreanched*

It seemed worth it, for I had won
I had not folded, I had not paid
Well yeah, sure it hadn’t been fun
Through all that slush, to swim and wade

But still I slept, happy as a charm
No care in the world, no set alarm
But as it turned out, I was wrong
The fat lady had not yet finished her song

I woke in the morning, the lark on the wing
The slug on the thorn, but the world not right
For damp was my room, stinky and smellwing*
Not at all the morning bright

And when I say stinky, I mean stinky
Not just any stinky, not your average stinky
This was the sinkiest stinky that ever was stinky
Soo soo stinky that stinky was stinky. Stinky!

And what was it that was stinky?
Not just anything, but my beloved shoes
Nikes they were, but now just stinky
Shoes no more, just stinky stinky juice.

Stinky stinky juice, how I loved thee
When thee were dry, when thee were free
Stinky stinky juice, wilt thou ever be same
As thee were before, free of thy shame?

Today I see thee, as thee wert before
Thy color is the same, thou art dry again
And yet I keep thee, outside the door
Never to be worn, for thy stink is thy stain

Stinky stinky juice, wilt thou ever be same
As thee were before, free of thy shame?


*spelling changed in the interest of rhyme