Cooks and Books

All this hype over Jaswant Singh’s book and his expulsion from the BJP has diverted attention from an event of no less national importance. In a little reported case in the capital city of Kerala, chef Maya Nambiar has been relieved of her duties as deputy head chef at noted 5 star hotel, North Park. The ostensible reason: her new cook book in which she calls the tomato a vegetable.

According to head chef, M.O. Han, and we quote “The situation is ridiculous. We can’t have senior party members (Nambiar was in charge of birthday parties) incapable of differentiating between a fruit and a vegetable. Especially when it’s something like a tomato, which is clearly a fruit. Ridiculous, I say. Now, if it were a pumpkin, I agree. There is some ambiguity. But a tomato? This cant be tolerated”

When contacted over the controversy, Chef Nambiar had this to say “He has obviously not read my book. Nowhere have I called the tomato a vegetable. It is true that in the recipe for Channa Masala, I may have listed tomato under the heading 'required vegetables', but this is entirely different from calling it so directly.”

However, Han does not relent. On the contrary, he has called for a state-wide ban on Nambiar’s book. When reminded that five years back, he had himself called the peanut a nut, Han pales but recovers. Where is the evidence?, he asks , while simultaneously patting his stomach on the sly and winking twice. Obviously, he is nut a man to be messed with.

Banana Hits South Indian State : Zero Dead

In a shocking development, this reporter has uncovered a plot to turn certain South Indian states into fruit salad. The incident occured at about 8.30 am, Monday morning. Kuttappan, a farmer and part time coconut tree climber, was relaxing atop his favorite tree when things took a turn for the worse. The skies darkened and storm clouds gathered. Kuttappan braced himself for the rain. It never came. Instead, a whilrling vortex of air materialized in the atmoshphere and out shot a projectile at incredible velocity.

It was not till he realized that it was headed for his hut that Kuttappan exploded off the tree and raced thither. By the time he reached his humble abode, it was in shambles. This, he says, was his wive's doing and not the missile's. Apparently, the missile had impacted with a cow in the backyard, hurtling it into outer space. Though unconfirmed, the animal is currently orbiting in a geo stationary plane.

Kuttappan panicked and called in the experts. Dr. Manikandan Nair, acclaimed scientist and resident genius, was the first on the scene. Upon close ispection, Nair ascertained that the UFO was a banana. This uncanny deductive ability, he attributes to his long experience with fruit. He said, and we quote, 'Pazham kanda namukke arinjoodae. Hah' (I isolated the gene and completed a DNA analysis. Without doubt, this a herbaceous plant of the genus, Musa)

In a separate incident, an apple is known to have exploded into the conference room of a popular IT company. This was found to be especially shocking since apples aren't naitve to the area. The previous day, a jackfruit had landed in the lobby and had been accepted as perfectly natural. When contacted and asked what measures were being taken to deal with this invasion, Nair remarked ' We're making custard and jelly. After all, what good is a fruit salad without accompaniments'. This, we find to be entirely ridiculous. Everyone knows that fruit salad goes with ice cream.

The Price of Karma

Meet Kuttappan. He is a young man at a new job. And like all young men at new jobs, he isnt happy. He is not sure whether he is being paid what he deserves. His friend, Manikandan, who has the exact same CV (This is no exaggeration. Manikandan copied from Kuttappan) is earning more than him. Why?

Kuttappan prays to God. He doesnt ask for more. He merely wants to know what he desrves. God calls him. He tells him that its karma. Kuttappan asks for quantitative and not qualitative data. God sets up karma.com and gives Kuttappan a login ID of his own choice. Kuttappan is happy.

He logs on and chooses the time frame as the last one month. He finds that he is worth 50 karmas (the unit for karma being karma itself) for the past month. He checks the exchange rate and finds that the market rate is 1karma= 1k INR. He is aggrieved. He calls his boss and mails him the link. "Look, I should be getting 50k per month" Boss takes a look and says " I'll get back to you" He does. "I'm sorry but thats before tax".

K: What tax? Income?
B: Karma!
K: Karma is taxed??
B: What did you think? Unfortunately, you fall in a higher karma bracket. You need to pay more.

Kuttappan prays to God. Someone else answers.

K: Where's God?
S: We had to let Him go.
K: What do you mean?
S: Its the recession. We couldnt afford to keep Him on.
K: God got fired?
S: Yeah, his karma wasnt good enough.