Narendra Modi Tests Positive for Swine

A recent survey conducted by 'we, the people of India' has led to the startling revelation that one of our foremost politicians is in fact of porcine origins. When a national channel -during its prime-time programme - flashed an sms poll with the innocuous question, 'Do you think Modi is a pig?' , 99.99% of respondents voted 'Yes'. The 0.01% that voted 'No' was later found to be Modi, his team of political advisers and a dog that had stepped on a mobile phone by mistake.

This harmless question which was raised in the interest of the nation went on to fuel questions of greater magnitude. What if? No, thats not it. What if Modi is indeed a little piggy masquerading in human form and not homosapien as previously believed? The sheer magnitude of the question is unimaginable. Indeed, it might just spark a new field of animalo-anthropomorphic research. But that is a question for the future. What has been done now, is a state sponsored genetic profiling of Modi. The results have been conclusive. Now, it is not the way of this reporter to directly refer to a stalwart in Indian politics in derogatory terms. However, the truth has to be said. One way or another. One chooses then, to express the facts in euphemistic terms: if one were to cook Modi for breakfast, one would be eating bacon. The implications are sufficiently clear.

For further proof, noted astrologer Dr. Kuttappan Namboodiri was contacted. According to him, though some creatures appear to be human in form, they are in actuality animal incarnations. For instance, if one observes an individual who is overtly given to barking out orders (does the word 'boss' ring a bell?) he / she is most likely involved in a canine birth. Through the practice of good karma, this human-dog may just be able to achieve a truly human birth in the next life. Amen!

So, how does Kuttappan prove the porkiness of Modi? "Simple", he says. "Just take a look at that face"



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It is surprising indeed that these creatures have been living among us for long. Who knows who one can trust now. Is my neighbour a T-Rex? A Blue Whale? A Praying Mantis? There is no way of being sure. Several ethical question are also raised. Do the same rules that apply to humans hold for these psuedo-humans too? Can I be held responsible for shooting my annoying colleague who I am sure is a parakeet? I sure hope not.

Anyhow, the next time you send out for pizza, ask them to hold the pepperoni. You may just want to go for the Modi. Oink!

Cooks and Books

All this hype over Jaswant Singh’s book and his expulsion from the BJP has diverted attention from an event of no less national importance. In a little reported case in the capital city of Kerala, chef Maya Nambiar has been relieved of her duties as deputy head chef at noted 5 star hotel, North Park. The ostensible reason: her new cook book in which she calls the tomato a vegetable.

According to head chef, M.O. Han, and we quote “The situation is ridiculous. We can’t have senior party members (Nambiar was in charge of birthday parties) incapable of differentiating between a fruit and a vegetable. Especially when it’s something like a tomato, which is clearly a fruit. Ridiculous, I say. Now, if it were a pumpkin, I agree. There is some ambiguity. But a tomato? This cant be tolerated”

When contacted over the controversy, Chef Nambiar had this to say “He has obviously not read my book. Nowhere have I called the tomato a vegetable. It is true that in the recipe for Channa Masala, I may have listed tomato under the heading 'required vegetables', but this is entirely different from calling it so directly.”

However, Han does not relent. On the contrary, he has called for a state-wide ban on Nambiar’s book. When reminded that five years back, he had himself called the peanut a nut, Han pales but recovers. Where is the evidence?, he asks , while simultaneously patting his stomach on the sly and winking twice. Obviously, he is nut a man to be messed with.

Banana Hits South Indian State : Zero Dead

In a shocking development, this reporter has uncovered a plot to turn certain South Indian states into fruit salad. The incident occured at about 8.30 am, Monday morning. Kuttappan, a farmer and part time coconut tree climber, was relaxing atop his favorite tree when things took a turn for the worse. The skies darkened and storm clouds gathered. Kuttappan braced himself for the rain. It never came. Instead, a whilrling vortex of air materialized in the atmoshphere and out shot a projectile at incredible velocity.

It was not till he realized that it was headed for his hut that Kuttappan exploded off the tree and raced thither. By the time he reached his humble abode, it was in shambles. This, he says, was his wive's doing and not the missile's. Apparently, the missile had impacted with a cow in the backyard, hurtling it into outer space. Though unconfirmed, the animal is currently orbiting in a geo stationary plane.

Kuttappan panicked and called in the experts. Dr. Manikandan Nair, acclaimed scientist and resident genius, was the first on the scene. Upon close ispection, Nair ascertained that the UFO was a banana. This uncanny deductive ability, he attributes to his long experience with fruit. He said, and we quote, 'Pazham kanda namukke arinjoodae. Hah' (I isolated the gene and completed a DNA analysis. Without doubt, this a herbaceous plant of the genus, Musa)

In a separate incident, an apple is known to have exploded into the conference room of a popular IT company. This was found to be especially shocking since apples aren't naitve to the area. The previous day, a jackfruit had landed in the lobby and had been accepted as perfectly natural. When contacted and asked what measures were being taken to deal with this invasion, Nair remarked ' We're making custard and jelly. After all, what good is a fruit salad without accompaniments'. This, we find to be entirely ridiculous. Everyone knows that fruit salad goes with ice cream.

The Price of Karma

Meet Kuttappan. He is a young man at a new job. And like all young men at new jobs, he isnt happy. He is not sure whether he is being paid what he deserves. His friend, Manikandan, who has the exact same CV (This is no exaggeration. Manikandan copied from Kuttappan) is earning more than him. Why?

Kuttappan prays to God. He doesnt ask for more. He merely wants to know what he desrves. God calls him. He tells him that its karma. Kuttappan asks for quantitative and not qualitative data. God sets up karma.com and gives Kuttappan a login ID of his own choice. Kuttappan is happy.

He logs on and chooses the time frame as the last one month. He finds that he is worth 50 karmas (the unit for karma being karma itself) for the past month. He checks the exchange rate and finds that the market rate is 1karma= 1k INR. He is aggrieved. He calls his boss and mails him the link. "Look, I should be getting 50k per month" Boss takes a look and says " I'll get back to you" He does. "I'm sorry but thats before tax".

K: What tax? Income?
B: Karma!
K: Karma is taxed??
B: What did you think? Unfortunately, you fall in a higher karma bracket. You need to pay more.

Kuttappan prays to God. Someone else answers.

K: Where's God?
S: We had to let Him go.
K: What do you mean?
S: Its the recession. We couldnt afford to keep Him on.
K: God got fired?
S: Yeah, his karma wasnt good enough.